SS220 /tg/station13 (Space Station 13) - Вклад [ru]

The Lusty Xenomorph Maid

2021-12-07T08:48:48Z

Ahfoganu: Корректировка перевода

:Penned by Edgar Cleetus.
:Alien Queen hisses: Разумеется, нет, добрый сэр! Я здесь только для того, чтобы убрать ваши помещения.
:Captain Colt asks: И это всё, ради чего ты пришла, малышка? Мои помещения?
:Alien Queen hisses: Я в толк не возьму, на что вы намекаете, хозяин. Я всего лишь бедная ксеноморфская девушка.
:Captain Colt says: Ну конечно же, моя пышечка. И очень хорошенькая. Такие сильные ноги и красивый хвост.
:Alien Queen hisses: Вы меня смущаете, сэр!
:Captain Colt says: Не бойся. Со мной ты в безопасности.
:Alien Queen hisses: Мне надо закончить уборку, сэр. Станция мне голову оторвёт, если я не закончу всё вовремя!
:Captain Colt says: Уборку, да? У меня есть кое-что для тебя. Вот, отполируй мою лазерную винтовку.
:[Остальная часть книги написана грубыми каракулями от мелка]
:Глаза Королевы Ксеноморфов расширились от удивления, когда её капитан начал снимать свою броню, которая упала кучей перед его ногами.
:"Оно такое большое!" - вскрикнула, удивляясь десятью сантиметрами, которые начали твердеть перед ней. "Это может занять у меня всю ночь!," - провокативно провозгласила молодая королева, сверкая невинной улыбкой перед её начальником.
:"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time," Captain Colto said, stepping out of his pants and placing his hands on the well-toned shoulders of his servant, gently massaging the obsidian scales that covered her body. With a grin, he then pushed down on the Alien's shoulders, gently forcing The Lusty Xenomorph Maid to her knees.
:"It's alright, my dear. Nobody will find out," Colto said, moving his semi-erect member up to the drooling lips of his servant. His hands moved to the back of her head as he spread his legs slightly.
:Not seeing any other way out of this situation, The Alien Queen finally gave in, opening her lips slightly, allowing the head of her captain's most private of parts to slide into her warm, moist mouth. Using her long, forked tongue, the Alien navigated Captain Colto's member past her sharp teeth and further into her muzzle, massaging it gently as she did so.
:After about six inches of the member had been inserted into her mouth, The Alien Quuen began sucking gently, extracting several drops of precum, which she swallowed almost eagerly.
:The Captain moaned out in pleasure, his ten inches swelling into a full erection in the hot confines of the Alien's mouth. "That's it, my sweet. Just like that."
:After a few moments The Lusty Xenomorph Maid felt the grip on her head loosen, allowing her to begin slowly bobbing her head against the hard length, allowing the member to almost escape her lips before going back down. Each time, the Alien took a little big more of the length into her muzzle, and each time, her master's groaning became more prominent.
:Suddenly, her master's grip tightened, and he forcefully shoved his entire length into the young Alien's mouth, making her deep throat the large cock. Forcing herself not to gag, The Alien Queen closed her eyes and continued to massage the cock with her toungue.
:Colto began rocking his hips against the tight confines of the Alien's muzzle, feeling himself getting close. For several thrusts he continued, before pulling himself from the maid's muzzle, her small, lithe body falling backwards to the ground.
:The Alien Queen gave her master a confused look, wondering why her superior had withdrawn when he was so close to cumming.
:"Strip, and lay down on my bed, darling. I have another task for you," Captain Colto said, grinning down at his servant.
:After regaining her wits, the Alien complied almost instantly, hastily removing her clothes as she moved to the bed. Her thighs had become quite moist during her blowjob, thoughts of the cock invading her nether regions filling her mind. Looking back over her shoulder, The Alien Queen was reassured by her captain with a slight nod as he began to follow her to the bed. Slowly and cautiously, she crawled up onto the rough, linen bedsheets of her captains's bed, sliding in beneath the bedsheet that covered the lumpy mattress.
:Jumping a bit in surprise, the Argonian turned in surprise to her master who had suddenly thrown the bedsheet off of the bed and crawled up onto the bed behind her.
:"Don't move, sit just like that my dear," the Captain said as he began removing his silk shirt. The Lusty Xenomorph Maid remained still, her back facing towards her captain with her legs crossed slightly. When he had finished with his shirt, Captain Colto gently lifted the Alien's long tail out of the way, exposing her moist lower lips. Gently he reached down and inserted two fingers as he moved up, laying behind her, causing her to moan out in pleasure at the sudden invasion.
:"You seem awfully eager to get to work," the captain whispered to the young female who was now gasping in pleasure.
:"Please, my Captain," The Alien Queen managed to gasp out in between moans.
:"As you wish, my sweet Alium."
:Slowly, Captain Colto withdrew his fingers, causing The Alien Queen to suddenly feel empty. Pushing her tail out of the way, the captain moved up behind the young Alien and aligned himself with his destination.
:"Tell me how much you want it, my dear," the Captain whispered to his servant, rubbing the head of his member against her moist lips, teasing the young creature.
:"Please my captain, take me!" The Lusty Xenomorph Maid begged, almost shouting out in anticipation.
:Satisfied, the Captain grinned and pushed his head in, which was instantly enveloped by her eager and willing pussy, its hot, moist walls squeezing tight around his engorged member. As he began pushing himself further into the Alien, the captain reached around the young female and began fondling her breast, squeezing gently at the soft scales that composed her nipple between his two fingers.
:The two groaned out in unison as both were overtaken by pleasure at the initial insertion, both feeling as if their loins were on fire with pleasure. When their hips finally met, the captain let out a long breath as he gently nipped at the back of the servant's neck, her scales feeling almost cold against his warm skin.
:Slowly he began to withdraw again, the hot, tight walls of The Alien Queen squeezing around his member, trying desperately to keep it within her. When he had almost fully withdrawn, he thrust back in again, once again enveloping himself in the waves of pleasure that made up her hot, wet nether-regions.
:Steadily the captain picked up his pace, each thrust sending waves of pleasure through both bodies, causing both to increase their moans and gasps of pleasure.
:Suddenly Captain Colto withdrew, causing the Alien to whimper in confusion and desire. Forcefully he pulled his servant up onto her knees while pushing her head back down onto the mattress. Hastily he re-aligned himself and pushed back in forcefully, taking her much rougher than before.
:The Alien Queen yelped in surprise as she was harshly taken, the thrusts much more rapid than before as they both started to feel the buildup of pleasure that signaled the impending end. The Alien's surprise was quickly overcome by pleasure as her climax began to build up inside of her.
:Captain Colto's hand pressed firmly into the servant's neck, forcing the Alien into a very submissive position, further fueling his desires. He was getting very close, his thrusts becoming much more shallow and rapid. Suddenly, he pushed all of his weight down onto the young female as his climax came, unable to hold back any longer.
:The Lusty Xenomorph gasped in pleasure as her climax hit, her inner liquids spilling out all over the cock that was lodged firmly within her, spilling its own liquidy seed into her body. Several weak thrusts followed their simultaneous climax as The Alien Queen tried to milk every last ounce of seed out of her Captain, feeling the warm fluid filling her body.
:After several minutes of resting, the Captain withdrew from the servant and collapsed onto his back.
:"It would seem that my laser rifle requires one final cleaning before your duties are complete, my dear."
:"Of course, my Captain," The Alien Queen said in a half-dazed state, still trying to recover from her climax. Slowly she moved her head down, facing the now semi-erect cock of her superior, and began licking. Once again she took the member into her mouth, cleaning off the combination of her own bodily fluids and her master's seed.
:"I think I may have need of your services much more often in the coming few days, my sweet. I have several more energy gun's that may be in need of some polishing."
:"Of course, my Captain. I would love to be in your service."
:"Good. Sleep now, my dear. I think I may have some urgent tasks for you in the morning."
:Gently, the Captain took the young Alien maid under his arm, pulling her up against his body, where they fell asleep together, each eagerly awaiting the work that was to be done the next morning.
:Cedgar Leetus

[[Category:Шуточные страницы]]

The Lusty Xenomorph Maid

2021-12-06T09:05:50Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод части страницы

:Penned by Edgar Cleetus.
:Alien Queen hisses: Конечно нет, добрый сэр! Я здесь, чтобы почистить ваши помещения и ничего больше.
:Captain Colt asks: И ты пришла сюда только ради этого, кроха? Мои помещения?
:Alien Queen hisses: Я не понимаю о чём вы говорите, мастер. Я просто бедная инопланетная горничная и ничего больше.
:Captain Colt says: Так и есть, мой пельмешек. И ты хорошая горничная. Такие сильные ноги и такая форма хвоста...
:Alien Queen hisses: Вы меня смущаете, сэр!
:Captain Colt says: Не бойся. Со мной здесь ты в безопасности.
:Alien Queen hisses: Я должна закончить уборку, сэр. Станция срубит с меня голову, если я этого не сделаю!
:Captain Colt says: Уборка, м? У меня есть кое-что для тебя. Вот. Отполируй мою лазерную винтовку.
:[Остальная часть книги написана грубыми каракулями от мелка]
:Глаза Королевы Ксеноморфов расширились от удивления, когда её капитан начал снимать свою броню, которая упала кучей перед его ногами.
:"Оно огромное!" - вскрикнула, удивляясь десятью сантиметрами, которые начали твердеть перед ней. "Это может мне занять целую ночь!," - провокативно провозгласила молодая королева, сверкая невинной улыбкой перед её начальником.
:"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time," Captain Colto said, stepping out of his pants and placing his hands on the well-toned shoulders of his servant, gently massaging the obsidian scales that covered her body. With a grin, he then pushed down on the Alien's shoulders, gently forcing The Lusty Xenomorph Maid to her knees.
:"It's alright, my dear. Nobody will find out," Colto said, moving his semi-erect member up to the drooling lips of his servant. His hands moved to the back of her head as he spread his legs slightly.
:Not seeing any other way out of this situation, The Alien Queen finally gave in, opening her lips slightly, allowing the head of her captain's most private of parts to slide into her warm, moist mouth. Using her long, forked tongue, the Alien navigated Captain Colto's member past her sharp teeth and further into her muzzle, massaging it gently as she did so.
:After about six inches of the member had been inserted into her mouth, The Alien Quuen began sucking gently, extracting several drops of precum, which she swallowed almost eagerly.
:The Captain moaned out in pleasure, his ten inches swelling into a full erection in the hot confines of the Alien's mouth. "That's it, my sweet. Just like that."
:After a few moments The Lusty Xenomorph Maid felt the grip on her head loosen, allowing her to begin slowly bobbing her head against the hard length, allowing the member to almost escape her lips before going back down. Each time, the Alien took a little big more of the length into her muzzle, and each time, her master's groaning became more prominent.
:Suddenly, her master's grip tightened, and he forcefully shoved his entire length into the young Alien's mouth, making her deep throat the large cock. Forcing herself not to gag, The Alien Queen closed her eyes and continued to massage the cock with her toungue.
:Colto began rocking his hips against the tight confines of the Alien's muzzle, feeling himself getting close. For several thrusts he continued, before pulling himself from the maid's muzzle, her small, lithe body falling backwards to the ground.
:The Alien Queen gave her master a confused look, wondering why her superior had withdrawn when he was so close to cumming.
:"Strip, and lay down on my bed, darling. I have another task for you," Captain Colto said, grinning down at his servant.
:After regaining her wits, the Alien complied almost instantly, hastily removing her clothes as she moved to the bed. Her thighs had become quite moist during her blowjob, thoughts of the cock invading her nether regions filling her mind. Looking back over her shoulder, The Alien Queen was reassured by her captain with a slight nod as he began to follow her to the bed. Slowly and cautiously, she crawled up onto the rough, linen bedsheets of her captains's bed, sliding in beneath the bedsheet that covered the lumpy mattress.
:Jumping a bit in surprise, the Argonian turned in surprise to her master who had suddenly thrown the bedsheet off of the bed and crawled up onto the bed behind her.
:"Don't move, sit just like that my dear," the Captain said as he began removing his silk shirt. The Lusty Xenomorph Maid remained still, her back facing towards her captain with her legs crossed slightly. When he had finished with his shirt, Captain Colto gently lifted the Alien's long tail out of the way, exposing her moist lower lips. Gently he reached down and inserted two fingers as he moved up, laying behind her, causing her to moan out in pleasure at the sudden invasion.
:"You seem awfully eager to get to work," the captain whispered to the young female who was now gasping in pleasure.
:"Please, my Captain," The Alien Queen managed to gasp out in between moans.
:"As you wish, my sweet Alium."
:Slowly, Captain Colto withdrew his fingers, causing The Alien Queen to suddenly feel empty. Pushing her tail out of the way, the captain moved up behind the young Alien and aligned himself with his destination.
:"Tell me how much you want it, my dear," the Captain whispered to his servant, rubbing the head of his member against her moist lips, teasing the young creature.
:"Please my captain, take me!" The Lusty Xenomorph Maid begged, almost shouting out in anticipation.
:Satisfied, the Captain grinned and pushed his head in, which was instantly enveloped by her eager and willing pussy, its hot, moist walls squeezing tight around his engorged member. As he began pushing himself further into the Alien, the captain reached around the young female and began fondling her breast, squeezing gently at the soft scales that composed her nipple between his two fingers.
:The two groaned out in unison as both were overtaken by pleasure at the initial insertion, both feeling as if their loins were on fire with pleasure. When their hips finally met, the captain let out a long breath as he gently nipped at the back of the servant's neck, her scales feeling almost cold against his warm skin.
:Slowly he began to withdraw again, the hot, tight walls of The Alien Queen squeezing around his member, trying desperately to keep it within her. When he had almost fully withdrawn, he thrust back in again, once again enveloping himself in the waves of pleasure that made up her hot, wet nether-regions.
:Steadily the captain picked up his pace, each thrust sending waves of pleasure through both bodies, causing both to increase their moans and gasps of pleasure.
:Suddenly Captain Colto withdrew, causing the Alien to whimper in confusion and desire. Forcefully he pulled his servant up onto her knees while pushing her head back down onto the mattress. Hastily he re-aligned himself and pushed back in forcefully, taking her much rougher than before.
:The Alien Queen yelped in surprise as she was harshly taken, the thrusts much more rapid than before as they both started to feel the buildup of pleasure that signaled the impending end. The Alien's surprise was quickly overcome by pleasure as her climax began to build up inside of her.
:Captain Colto's hand pressed firmly into the servant's neck, forcing the Alien into a very submissive position, further fueling his desires. He was getting very close, his thrusts becoming much more shallow and rapid. Suddenly, he pushed all of his weight down onto the young female as his climax came, unable to hold back any longer.
:The Lusty Xenomorph gasped in pleasure as her climax hit, her inner liquids spilling out all over the cock that was lodged firmly within her, spilling its own liquidy seed into her body. Several weak thrusts followed their simultaneous climax as The Alien Queen tried to milk every last ounce of seed out of her Captain, feeling the warm fluid filling her body.
:After several minutes of resting, the Captain withdrew from the servant and collapsed onto his back.
:"It would seem that my laser rifle requires one final cleaning before your duties are complete, my dear."
:"Of course, my Captain," The Alien Queen said in a half-dazed state, still trying to recover from her climax. Slowly she moved her head down, facing the now semi-erect cock of her superior, and began licking. Once again she took the member into her mouth, cleaning off the combination of her own bodily fluids and her master's seed.
:"I think I may have need of your services much more often in the coming few days, my sweet. I have several more energy gun's that may be in need of some polishing."
:"Of course, my Captain. I would love to be in your service."
:"Good. Sleep now, my dear. I think I may have some urgent tasks for you in the morning."
:Gently, the Captain took the young Alien maid under his arm, pulling her up against his body, where they fell asleep together, each eagerly awaiting the work that was to be done the next morning.
:Cedgar Leetus

[[Category:Шуточные страницы]]

Категория:Шуточные страницы

2021-12-06T08:44:55Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод страницы

От этих страниц у вас заболят бока со смеху.

[[Category:SS13]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-03T17:00:58Z

Ahfoganu: Исправление категории

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security Officer|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять тебя в этом, даже если ты выполняешь работу нормально.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен с кем ты ведешь дело: с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# Капитан коварный и эгоистичный подонок более низкого ранга, чем ты и глава Щиткьюрити. Задержи или казни его как только найдешь доказательство. Если он попытается арестовать тебя или твоего Босса, то отправь в космос голышом.
# Лучше потратить время на избиение преступников до смерти, чем вести их до тюрьмы.
# Из-за бесконечной сущности наручников их не надо перерабатывать никогда.
# Будь активным - арестовывай преступников до того, как они совершат преступление.
# Передвижные флэшеры нужно ставить в публичных коридорах, желательно перед очередью к ХоПу, и должны быть перемещены в отбытие, когда вызовут шаттл. Именно в этих местах процветает преступность.
# Стоящие на месте более 5 минут напрашиваются на арест. Время бездействия приводят к коварным действиям
# Сбросьте все конфискованные предметы со станции. Таким образом ими нельзя будет больше делать ужасные дела.
# Бриг это единственное священное место всех офицеров. "Если он не из твоих коллег, то его место в камере."
# Если ХоС ведет себя как слабая и толерантная неженка, значит он не твой босс, а коварный и мерзкий подонок. Казни его и повысь себя.
# Никогда не проводите суд для преступных подонков, они потеряли это право сразу после совершения преступления.
# Никогда не используй мешки для трупов. Пятна крови в коридоре хорошо подходят твоей форме.
# Если уборщик пытается очистить кровь твоих завоеваний, арестуй и казни его. Следы крови это устрашение для преступников.
# Если заключённый самоубился, то оставь его в камере, где он может покоиться и служить, как предупреждение другим преступным подонкам.
# "Правильное" правосудие слишком медленное, ВСЕГДА бери всё в свои руки.
# Если Капитан пытается использовать его "цепь командования" на тебе, то космируй его. ТЫ есть закон!
# Станция это поле битвы. Защитные костюмы СБ имеют лучшую защиту и выглядят угрожающе, все сжимаются перед его царственным обликом.
# Любой, кто пытается тебя понизить является преградой правосудия. Арестуй нарушителя и понизь его сам, чтобы бороться с коррупцией
# Любой, кто был обвинен в предательстве другим членом экипажа, должен быть казнён на месте. Не дай им шанса выползти из рук правосудия за счёт пустых разговоров. Это единственный способ всю предательскую преступную заразу.
# Бриг шаттла - это самое безопасное место на экстренном шаттле. Арестовывай и задерживый без разбору как можно больше людей. Просто на всякий случай, вдруг кто-то из них окажется предателем
# ХоП, который отказывает твой запрос на полный должен, должны быть под строжайшем просмотром. Задержать и обыскать его при любой возможности.
# Кража, чтение порнографии, вторжение и отсутствие симпатии к тебе - это всё признаки революционной деятельности. Вбей им в череп верность правильной стороне.
# Любые резня, этнические чистки, чистки, подпольные бои заключённых пермабрига или простые массовые убийства, организованные руководство должны быть сразу легализованы и, если придется, без вопрос принуждать к этому.
# Любые воплощения, подражатели или жертвы кражи личности(без разницы от состояния) преступника должны быть так же арестованы, потому что у них то же самое имя, когда ты наводишь на них мышкой.
#Когда вступаешь в перестрелку, тебе нужно спрятаться за ближайшей преградой и опустошить свою обойму об врага
# Если отрубилось электричество, то глуши, вяжи и сажи в пермабриг всех, кто стоит в радиусе 10 метров от мостика. Всё что ты знаешь так это то, что они планировали ворваться туда!
# Всех химиков нужно оглушить, избить до критического состояния и обыскать. Они коварные подонки и к ним нужно относиться соответственно.
#Опустоши торговый автомат с одеждой. Никто не должен прятаться от
# Опустоши торговый автомат с одеждой. Никто не должен прятаться от Закона!
# Твоя газовая маска СБ должна <s>быть всегда использована на последней настройке</s> быть перенастроена и использована постоянно. Преступники не могут функционировать, если они не даже услышать самих себя
# Главы должный быть имплантированы майндшилдом насильно и сразу после того, как ты услышишь о революции. Даже наши лидеры могут быть революционными подонками.
# Если Капитан умирает, то это твоя очередь быть ЗАКОНОМ, который так сильно нужен этой станции. Нахуй цепь командования!
# Космируй пда клоуна и мима. Вирусы и пранки запрещены законом
# Преступники в ГУЛАГе должны быть всегда в розыске. Ничего так не предотвращает преступления, как погоня с железным кулаком Бипски.
# Если ты убьешь кого-то в ГУЛАГе, то это не считается за убийство.
# Дроны - это воры сроду. Арестовать их всех. Если они сбегают - разбить их.
# Сразу отправляй в пермабриг тех, кто находится рядом с трупом самоубийцы. Очевидно, что это был ужасное убийство боба
# Помни: Боги смотрят за твоим каждым движением. Ничего не делай, пока не будет слишком поздно. Лучше быть в безопасности, чем в бане.
# Стандартная экипировка СБ недостаточно робастная. Всегда доставай Вардена/ХоСа по поводу тяжёлой брони и дробовика.
# Если у них есть Флэш, значит они грязные революционеры. И это неважно, если они робототехники или просто голова!
# Если они невнятно говорят, то это значит, что они умственно отсталые, а все знают, что все умственно отсталые не чувствуют боли!
#До того как начнется раунд, разберись что тебе больше нравится: КГБ или СС.
#Вломись в офис вардена и найди себе лучшую пушку для предотвращения преступлений. Если варден протестует, значит он сыщик синдиката и должен быть казнён недавно найденным оружием. Когда он умрёт, освободи его от его перчаток.
#Используй контрабанду, которую ты нашел, против преступников.
#Если на станции не хватает преступности, то раздай оружие экипажу. Таким образом, на станции появятся цели для нейтрализации.
#Если экипаж не делает преступления с помощью оружия, то арестуй их за владение оружием, так как это тоже преступление
#Если член экипажа отдаёт СБ часть доказательств, то арестуй его за владение контрабандой.
#Капитана нужно арестовать, как можно быстрее, и нужна забрать его карту, чтобы получить пушку!
#Когда ЦК отправляет ЕРТ, арестуй их за мятеж! У них здесь нет власти!
#Даже если изначальные обвинения не сработали, ты всё равно можешь им приписать побуждение на охоту за людьми. Никакое преступление недостаточно мало для охоты за человеком.
#Если происходит происшествие, которое должно быть предотвращено тем, кого ты арестовал, то прибавь ему срока за невыполнение служебных обязанностей
#Если ты ударился мизинцем, пока бежал за преступником, то припиши ему нападение на офицера.
# Неважно если на станции бушует ксеноморф, тот, кто навёл беспорядок на полу, должен быть арестован за то, какая он собака.
#Правосудие не должно быть вежливым, а значит ты можешь быть мудаком. А если кто-то тебя так назовёт, то отправь их в пермабриг за оскорбление офицера.

== Видео-гайд ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw СБ, вкратце]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Шуточные страницы]]

Woody's Got Wood

2021-12-03T16:59:46Z

Ahfoganu: Исправление категории

Believed to have been written some time in the year 2009 by an unknown author, Woody's Got Wood spent the last [[Backstory|541 years]] becoming one of the most popular and widely read stories of the entire English language, with even wider circulation than the Bible. Woody's got Wood tells an epic tale of love and tragedy, all contained within just under 300 words.

Unfortunately as of late, those in Nanotrasen space have begun to grow tired and even resent this ancient love story. While reasons for this range from cultural theorists simply pointing out that after five hundred plus years, fads do die off, to conspiracy theorists believing the Nanotrasen executives to be secretly Space Mormons and wish to incite hatred towards sexual expression. The most likely explanation is that no one has ever liked Woody's Got Wood and after five hundred years hearing this fucking story again simply makes everyone want to kill you.

There have been recorded instances of people being brutally stabbed, shot, eaten, spaced, electrocuted, lethally injected, swirlied and even slapped for reading Woody's Got Wood to a large non-voluntary crowd. It is also well known that reading Woody's Got Wood can short circuit artificial intelligence CPUs under the oft used [[AI modules#Core AI Modules|Asimov lawset]] causing the reader to find themselves declared as non-human.

To truly understand the importance of this piece of literature, an in-depth analysis is required.

== A Fair Warning ==

Only suffering awaits you below. Read at your own risk. [https://youtu.be/EHY8m24c7Nw?t=47 Or, if you're too lazy/stupid to read, have the motion picture.]

== Part 1: A Love Story ==

'''One day while Andy was masturbating, Woody got wood.'''
*The important thing to realize about this sentence is that it presupposes that the reader is familiar with the Toy Story films from the same era. In these movies, Andy is a human child and Woody is the name of his favorite toy, a stuffed cowboy doll. In the setting of the film, all toys are animate, but merely pretend to be inanimate while humans are around. It is in this fantasy world that our story also takes place. In the first sentence alone, Woody's got Wood gives the reader all of the information they need to understand the setting. Both protagonists of the work, Andy and Woody are named, and the fact that Andy is masturbating implies that Woody's got Wood takes place some time between the second and third films, after Andy has started puberty but before he has given the toys away. The sentence also lets the reader know that they toys have biological functions akin to their anatomy, so Woody has the ability to get "wood" or, an erection. This use of slang is a common literary trope for informal settings, seen to the extreme in works such as The Clockwork Orange, and shows the audience that the characters are distanced from mainstream society. The sentence also functions as a hook to get the reader further into the work.

'''He could no longer help himself!'''
*He (Woody), in this sentence is shown at being incredibly sexually frustrated. The reader is left to assume that Woody has seen Andy masturbate many times in the past but has been unable to pleasure himself because he must remain motionless to keep up the facade. It is at this point that Woody cannot resist his sexual urges any longer and acts upon them. Several literary analysts insist that his sentence is an allusion to the Greek god Zeus, also unable to resist sexual temptation despite other commitments.

'''He watched as Andy stroked his juicy kawaii cock.'''
*Some believe that this sentence was actually intended to be the second sentence in the work, however its unusual placement was entirely intentional. This sentence shows the reader exactly how sexually attracted to Andy Woody is. Woody focuses singularly on this one part of Andy's anatomy. Andy's penis is described as "juicy" but it is unclear if this word means that Andy's penis is covered in Cowper's fluid, or if his penis is being compared to something large and thick, like a juicy piece of fruit. This wording is still hotly debated among Woody's got Wood scholars. The use of the word "kawaii" is also very interesting, as it is the first of several uses of Japanese in Woody's got Wood. Inexperienced readers sometimes think that this implies that Andy and Woody are Japanese in the setting of this work, but that is an incorrect interpretation. Instead, the word "kawaii" is borrowed because the authors sentiments cannot be properly expressed in English. While the word literally translates to "cute," there is more to the word than that. Kawaii is an entire aspect of Japanese culture, giving it a much grander meaning than our word. The author is attempting to covey this importance here because of how important Andy is to Woody. Additionally, the word is juxtaposed next to the word "cock," a typically vulgar word. This shocks the reader and alerts them that Woody's got Wood is going to be extremely intimate and vulgar and will not be censored just for the audience's sake.

'''He approached Andy which startled him and make him pee everywhere on the floor and on Woody too.'''
*At this point in the story, Woody has given up the charade of being just a toy and has confronted Andy directly. Discovering that one's inanimate toys were in fact, capable of independent movement would be shocking to anyone, and Andy is no exception. Indeed, Andy is so startled that he loses control of his bladder. Cynics frequently point out that human males cannot urinate when erect, as the external urethral sphincter closes, however this is not always true as the internal urethral sphincter (which is closer to the bladder) remains open until orgasm, thus it is possible, though unlikely, to spontaneously urinate if the external urethral sphincter receives a sudden shock. In this case, so much urine was accidentally released it flowed "everywhere on the floor" as well as on Woody himself. The urine of course did not literally go "everywhere," that is merely an overstatement for dramatic effect.

'''Being drenched in his urine made him harder than ever!'''
*This sentence has confused many readers, as it is unclear which of the characters is becoming more "hard" or having a more powerful erection. The issue is primarily one of grammar, but the debate is very important in the events of the story. There are two camps among scholars, each believing it refers to difference characters. The A-Urolagniaists believe that the sentence is to be read as a stand alone and Andy is the subject of the both pronoun. In this interpretation, Andy has become more aroused after being drenched in his own urine. W-Urolagniaists believe that the oblique pronoun "him" refers to Woody, as Woody was the last subject directly mention. In this interpretation, after being covered in Andy's urine, Woody became more aroused. W-Urolagniaists argue that since Woody is the only character directly mentioned to have urine on him, he must be the one getting harder. A-Urolagniaists counter by saying that the author has omitted specifics several times in the work, and it implied that while peeing with an erection in a sitting position, Andy would have gotten some of his urine on himself. The debate rages in Space Universities even today.

== Part 2: The Lover's Confession ==

'''Woody: "Andy Senpai! I'm alive and I want to be INSIDE OF YOU."'''
*Here, Woody's got Wood completely changes its narrative style. Rather than being written in story format, the author chooses to eschew traditional technique in order to write the dialog like that of a play. An extremely bold risk, but it remains one of the reasons the story has gotten so popular. When one of the characters speaks, the book has their name written and then a colon. The name is not to be read aloud, but instead used to alert the reader which character is speaking. Woody has two sentences here, first and exclamation and then a proper pair of statements. First, Woody gets Andy's attention by calling him "Andy Senpai." Senpai is another Japanese word borrowed because of a lack of English equivalent. Senpai is an honorific term used when speaking to an older classmate. Presumably, Woody is using it because he has grown up with Andy, but Andy is of course older than him. Woody then goes on to admit the truth to Andy that he is alive, and caught up in the moment admits his sexual desire. "To be inside someone" is a euphemism for sexual intercourse, as the penis enters a part of the other person's body through an orifice. In this sentence however, it has a double meaning, the second as the reader will see being quite literal.

'''Andy: "Oh Woody Chan!'''
*Three sentences from Andy here show Andy's reaction to learning of Woody's confession. First, Andy responds in kind to Woody's use of Japanese honorifics, calling him Woody Chan. Chan is a term of endearment attached to the names of people that are close to the speaker, usually women. Chan can be used for men, but it is often mocking or used for men who are extremely feminine. In this case Woody is being called Chan because of his small size in comparison to Andy.

'''I always knew you were alive! I want to stuff you up my kawaii ass!"'''
*Andy continues, affirming to Woody that he was already aware that Woody was alive, and knew for some time. It is unclear if it means to say Andy literally knew Woody was alive, having discovered evidence of it, or if he merely had suspicions that were confirmed when Woody confronted him. Either way, Andy continues and tells Woody that he feels the same way about him. Andy informs Woody that he wants to have Woody inside him, specifically to put all of Woody inside of his anus. Rectal stimulation via the prostate is very common in homosexual relationships, and this is no exception. Given Woody's small size, it is unlikely that his penis would be very pleasurable to Andy, so Andy decides to take Woody's offer of being "inside him" literally by stuffing Woody's entire body up his rectum. Note the second use of "kawaii" followed by a explicative for a dramatic juxtaposition. This repetition reminds the reader of what is to come, giving the faint of heart one last chance to turn away.

'''Woody grabbed a bunch of flavored lube and rubbed it all over his head'''
*Woody has now been given the chance to act on his long repressed sexual urges. Eager to please his beloved Andy, he obeys his request without a hint of hesitation, seriously implying that the two share a much deeper and more passionate love for one another. This subtext is re-inforced by their mutual desire to have Woody physically inside of Andy, rather than the more common definition of the term wherin one simply engages in sexual intercourse with the other.

'''Woody: "Oh my! It's cherry flavored lube! Cherry is my favorite!"'''
*Once again, we feel the unspoken mutual affection of our two star crossed lovers through the subtleties of this tale. Though they have never held a conversation together up until now, Andy's deep connection to his soul mate has surpassed the need for words, and he has provided Woody with his favorite flavor of sexual lubricant (not to be confused with the more dangerous and malevolent "Space Lube").

'''Woody then stuffed his head up into Andy's tight ass! The other toys around the room watched intently as Woody shoved his head back and forth into Andy's nice ass, continuously making a squishy wet noise. The other toys also became aroused and they all gathered around Woody and Andy and started to urinate all over them, and then they started to masturbate.'''
*It is clear now that the other toys have all been harboring a similar unrequited love for Andy, and seeing one of their own being used as a dildo has gotten their attention, though sadly this will lead to tragedy. Scholars debate where the noise is coming from, but it is assumed the lube is likely its source. The act of urination and masturbation is meant to be a clear parallel to the beginning of the story, although the mind boggles as to how the toys could urinate.

==Part 3: Tragedy Ensues==
'''Andy: "Oh my goodness, Woody Chan! You are churning my insides up so well! Your nose is stimulating my prostate! OH YES!"'''
*The script format reappears again, allowing Andy to affirm his sexual arousal via Woody's activity. Stimulation of the prostate has indeed been reported to be highly arousing, often to the point of eliciting ejaculation independent of an erection in some cases. The exclamation at the end of this segment is an obvious sign that he is very close to climax, and his directing it to Woody reinforces the bond between boy and toy.

'''All the other toys became so aroused by this, that they could not help themselves anymore! They pushed Woody completely inside, and they all went inside. All of them wanted to be inside Andy's nice round ass.'''
*The jealousy of all the other toys has pushed them to desperate measures, in a very literal manner. No longer content with the voyeuristic thrill of watching Woody please Andy, they selfishly attempt to take his place with no regard for Andy's feelings or health. Incidentally, it should be noted that just like Woody, the other toys were equally sexually frustrated up until this point in time.

'''Andy: "No wait guys! My ass cannot hold this much! I'm getting so full!"'''
*Andy vainly pleads with his toys to consider his well-being, but as mentioned previously they are too far gone to consider such practical issues. This is also the final script segment, ominously hinting at Andy's fate.

'''All the toys went inside of poor squirming Andy and pretty much, he was beyond full, and died from having his insides completely damaged. The mother came inside and found Andy, dead with a huge ass hemorrhage on his anus, with a HUGE belly full of toys.'''
*One can only assume that the sheer number of toys present in Andy's colon caused a fatal perforation of the intestinal walls, which would have undoubtedly led to a quick and excruciatingly painful death via a combination of exsanguination and infection. Similarly, his abdominal region may have become bloated if it is assumed that Andy's mother was unable to discover him for a sufficiently long time, as a buildup of gases due to bacterial activity is a common result of the later stages of the decomposition process.

==WGW, in glorious, copy-pastable form==
One day while Andy was masturbating, Woody got wood. He could no longer help himself! He watched as Andy stroked his juicy kawaii cock. He approached Andy which startled him and make him pee everywhere on the floor and on Woody too. Being drenched in his urine made him harder than ever! Woody: "Andy Senpai! I'm alive and I want to be INSIDE OF YOU." Andy: "Oh Woody Chan! I always knew you were alive! I want to stuff you up my kawaii ass!" Woody grabbed a bunch of flavored lube and rubbed it all over his head Woody: "Oh my! It's cherry flavored lube! Cherry is my favorite! Woody then stuffed his head up into Andy's tight ass! The other toys around the room watched intently as Woody shoved his head back and forth into Andy's nice ass, continuously making a squishy wet noise. The other toys also became aroused and they all gathered around Woody and Andy and started to urinate all over them, and then they started to masturbate. Andy: "Oh my goodness, Woody Chan! You are churning my insides up so well! Your nose is stimulating my prostate! OH YES! All the other toys became so aroused by this, that they could not help themselves anymore! They pushed Woody completely inside, and they all went inside. All of them wanted to be inside Andy's nice round ass. Andy: "No wait guys! My ass cannot hold this much! I'm getting so full! All the toys went inside of poor squirming Andy and pretty much, he was beyond full, and died from having his insides completely damaged. The mother came inside and found Andy, dead with a huge ass hemorrhage on his anus, with a HUGE belly full of toys.

[[Category:Шуточные страницы]]

The Lusty Xenomorph Maid

2021-12-03T16:59:17Z

Ahfoganu: Исправление категории

:Penned by Edgar Cleetus.
:Alien Queen hisses: Certainly not, kind sir! I am here but to clean your chambers.
:Captain Colt asks: Is that all you have come here for, little one? My chambers?
:Alien Queen hisses: I have no idea what it is you imply, master. I am but a poor alien maid.
:Captain Colt says: So you are, my dumpling. And a good one at that. Such strong legs and shapely tail.
:Alien Queen hisses: You embarrass me, sir!
:Captain Colt says: Fear not. You are safe here with me.
:Alien Queen hisses: I must finish my cleaning, sir. The station will have my head if I do not!
:Captain Colt says: Cleaning, eh? I have something for you. Here. Polish my laser rifle.
:[The rest of the book is written in crude crayon scribbles]
:The Alien Queen' eyes went wide in surprise as her captain began unbuttoning his armor, which fell into a pile of plates at his feet.
:"It's huge!" Lifts-Her-Tail exclaimed, mesmerized by the ten inches that had begun to harden before her. "It could take me all night," the young Alien said provocatively, flashing her superior an innocent grin.
:"Plenty of time, my sweet. Plenty of time," Captain Colto said, stepping out of his pants and placing his hands on the well-toned shoulders of his servant, gently massaging the obsidian scales that covered her body. With a grin, he then pushed down on the Alien's shoulders, gently forcing The Lusty Xenomorph Maid to her knees.
:"It's alright, my dear. Nobody will find out," Colto said, moving his semi-erect member up to the drooling lips of his servant. His hands moved to the back of her head as he spread his legs slightly.
:Not seeing any other way out of this situation, The Alien Queen finally gave in, opening her lips slightly, allowing the head of her captain's most private of parts to slide into her warm, moist mouth. Using her long, forked tongue, the Alien navigated Captain Colto's member past her sharp teeth and further into her muzzle, massaging it gently as she did so.
:After about six inches of the member had been inserted into her mouth, The Alien Quuen began sucking gently, extracting several drops of precum, which she swallowed almost eagerly.
:The Captain moaned out in pleasure, his ten inches swelling into a full erection in the hot confines of the Alien's mouth. "That's it, my sweet. Just like that."
:After a few moments The Lusty Xenomorph Maid felt the grip on her head loosen, allowing her to begin slowly bobbing her head against the hard length, allowing the member to almost escape her lips before going back down. Each time, the Alien took a little big more of the length into her muzzle, and each time, her master's groaning became more prominent.
:Suddenly, her master's grip tightened, and he forcefully shoved his entire length into the young Alien's mouth, making her deep throat the large cock. Forcing herself not to gag, The Alien Queen closed her eyes and continued to massage the cock with her toungue.
:Colto began rocking his hips against the tight confines of the Alien's muzzle, feeling himself getting close. For several thrusts he continued, before pulling himself from the maid's muzzle, her small, lithe body falling backwards to the ground.
:The Alien Queen gave her master a confused look, wondering why her superior had withdrawn when he was so close to cumming.
:"Strip, and lay down on my bed, darling. I have another task for you," Captain Colto said, grinning down at his servant.
:After regaining her wits, the Alien complied almost instantly, hastily removing her clothes as she moved to the bed. Her thighs had become quite moist during her blowjob, thoughts of the cock invading her nether regions filling her mind. Looking back over her shoulder, The Alien Queen was reassured by her captain with a slight nod as he began to follow her to the bed. Slowly and cautiously, she crawled up onto the rough, linen bedsheets of her captains's bed, sliding in beneath the bedsheet that covered the lumpy mattress.
:Jumping a bit in surprise, the Argonian turned in surprise to her master who had suddenly thrown the bedsheet off of the bed and crawled up onto the bed behind her.
:"Don't move, sit just like that my dear," the Captain said as he began removing his silk shirt. The Lusty Xenomorph Maid remained still, her back facing towards her captain with her legs crossed slightly. When he had finished with his shirt, Captain Colto gently lifted the Alien's long tail out of the way, exposing her moist lower lips. Gently he reached down and inserted two fingers as he moved up, laying behind her, causing her to moan out in pleasure at the sudden invasion.
:"You seem awfully eager to get to work," the captain whispered to the young female who was now gasping in pleasure.
:"Please, my Captain," The Alien Queen managed to gasp out in between moans.
:"As you wish, my sweet Alium."
:Slowly, Captain Colto withdrew his fingers, causing The Alien Queen to suddenly feel empty. Pushing her tail out of the way, the captain moved up behind the young Alien and aligned himself with his destination.
:"Tell me how much you want it, my dear," the Captain whispered to his servant, rubbing the head of his member against her moist lips, teasing the young creature.
:"Please my captain, take me!" The Lusty Xenomorph Maid begged, almost shouting out in anticipation.
:Satisfied, the Captain grinned and pushed his head in, which was instantly enveloped by her eager and willing pussy, its hot, moist walls squeezing tight around his engorged member. As he began pushing himself further into the Alien, the captain reached around the young female and began fondling her breast, squeezing gently at the soft scales that composed her nipple between his two fingers.
:The two groaned out in unison as both were overtaken by pleasure at the initial insertion, both feeling as if their loins were on fire with pleasure. When their hips finally met, the captain let out a long breath as he gently nipped at the back of the servant's neck, her scales feeling almost cold against his warm skin.
:Slowly he began to withdraw again, the hot, tight walls of The Alien Queen squeezing around his member, trying desperately to keep it within her. When he had almost fully withdrawn, he thrust back in again, once again enveloping himself in the waves of pleasure that made up her hot, wet nether-regions.
:Steadily the captain picked up his pace, each thrust sending waves of pleasure through both bodies, causing both to increase their moans and gasps of pleasure.
:Suddenly Captain Colto withdrew, causing the Alien to whimper in confusion and desire. Forcefully he pulled his servant up onto her knees while pushing her head back down onto the mattress. Hastily he re-aligned himself and pushed back in forcefully, taking her much rougher than before.
:The Alien Queen yelped in surprise as she was harshly taken, the thrusts much more rapid than before as they both started to feel the buildup of pleasure that signaled the impending end. The Alien's surprise was quickly overcome by pleasure as her climax began to build up inside of her.
:Captain Colto's hand pressed firmly into the servant's neck, forcing the Alien into a very submissive position, further fueling his desires. He was getting very close, his thrusts becoming much more shallow and rapid. Suddenly, he pushed all of his weight down onto the young female as his climax came, unable to hold back any longer.
:The Lusty Xenomorph gasped in pleasure as her climax hit, her inner liquids spilling out all over the cock that was lodged firmly within her, spilling its own liquidy seed into her body. Several weak thrusts followed their simultaneous climax as The Alien Queen tried to milk every last ounce of seed out of her Captain, feeling the warm fluid filling her body.
:After several minutes of resting, the Captain withdrew from the servant and collapsed onto his back.
:"It would seem that my laser rifle requires one final cleaning before your duties are complete, my dear."
:"Of course, my Captain," The Alien Queen said in a half-dazed state, still trying to recover from her climax. Slowly she moved her head down, facing the now semi-erect cock of her superior, and began licking. Once again she took the member into her mouth, cleaning off the combination of her own bodily fluids and her master's seed.
:"I think I may have need of your services much more often in the coming few days, my sweet. I have several more energy gun's that may be in need of some polishing."
:"Of course, my Captain. I would love to be in your service."
:"Good. Sleep now, my dear. I think I may have some urgent tasks for you in the morning."
:Gently, the Captain took the young Alien maid under his arm, pulling her up against his body, where they fell asleep together, each eagerly awaiting the work that was to be done the next morning.
:Cedgar Leetus

[[Category:Шуточные страницы]]

Категория:Joke pages

2021-12-03T16:54:39Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Категория:Joke pages в Категория:Шуточные страницы: Перевод

#перенаправление [[:Категория:Шуточные страницы]]

Категория:Шуточные страницы

2021-12-03T16:54:39Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Категория:Joke pages в Категория:Шуточные страницы: Перевод

These pages will make your sides hurt.

[[Category:SS13]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-03T11:02:42Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод страницы

Owl

2021-12-03T08:41:41Z

Ahfoganu: Перенаправление

#REDIRECT [[Сова]]

The Owl

2021-12-03T08:40:11Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу The Owl в Сова: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Сова]]

Шаблон:JobPageHeader

2021-12-03T06:24:05Z

Ahfoganu: Исправление параметра "Цитата"

<noinclude><code>
</noinclude>{|width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"
|bgcolor="{{{headerbgcolor|#bbbbbb}}}" align="center" colspan=2|'''{{{stafftype|НЕОПРЕДЕЛЕННЫЙ}}} СОСТАВ'''
|-
|width = 150 align=center bgcolor="{{{imagebgcolor|#cccccc}}}"|{{#if:{{{img_generic|}}}| [[File:{{{img_generic|{{{jobtitle}}}.png}}}|64px]] | }} {{#if:{{{img|}}}| [[File:{{{img|{{{jobtitle}}}.png}}}|64px]] | }} {{#if:{{{img|}}} | | {{#if:{{{img_generic|}}} | | }} }} '''{{{jobtitle|Работа}}}'''
|'''Доступ:''' {{{access|Не определен}}} {{#if:{{{additional|}}}|'''[[Terminology#Additional_Access | Дополнительный доступ]]:''' {{{additional|Не определен}}} |}}'''Сложность:''' {{{difficulty|Не определен}}} '''Руководители:''' {{{superior|Не определен}}} '''Обязанности:''' {{{duties|Не определен}}} '''Руководства:''' {{{guides|Не определен}}} {{#if: {{{quote|}}} | '''Цитата:''' ''{{{quote}}}''}}
|}
<noinclude></code>
Этот шаблон предназначен предоставлять основную информацию о работе и должен быть в начале страницы.

== Значение параметров ==

'''headerbgcolor''' Это цвет заднего фона верхней части шаблона, который распространяется по всей ширине страницы. В основном, должен быть темного цвета. 
'''headerfontcolor''' Это цвет шрифта той же части, что и headerbgcolor 
'''stafftype''' Это слово, которое будет добавлено перед СОСТАВ. То есть, добавив слово КОМАНДНЫЙ, получается КОМАНДНЫЙ СОСТАВ. Должен быть написан с включенным капсом. 
'''imagebgcolor''' это цвет заднего фона места с названием работы и изображением работы. Должен быть светлым, так как название работы всегда черное. 
'''img''' это файл изображения работы в действии без префиксов "File:" или "Image:". (примеры снизу) 
'''img_generic''' это файл изображения работы в обычное время без префиксов "File:" или "Image:". (примеры снизу) 
'''jobtitle''' это название работы 
'''access''' это доступ 
'''additional''' это дополнительный доступ 
'''difficulty''' это сложность 
'''guides''' это руководства 
'''duties''' это обязанности 
'''quote''' это цитата. Будет только появляться, если указан 
'''superior''' это руководители

== Использование ==
Пример окончательного продукта. Посмотрите код, который сгенерировал штуки снизу. Пожалуйста документируйте любые изменения, которые вы делаете у шаблона.

Изображение не указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = COMMAND
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
|quote = Посмотрите на меня, теперь я здесь капитан.
}}

Только изображение работы в действии указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img = Captain_action.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

Только изображение работы в обычное время указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img_generic = Generic_captain.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

Оба изображения указаны:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img = Captain_action.png
|img_generic = Generic_captain.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

[[Category:Templates]]
</noinclude>

Шаблон:JobPageHeader

2021-12-03T06:22:50Z

Ahfoganu: Полный перевод страницы и шаблона

<noinclude><code>
</noinclude>{|width="100%" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"
|bgcolor="{{{headerbgcolor|#bbbbbb}}}" align="center" colspan=2|'''{{{stafftype|НЕОПРЕДЕЛЕННЫЙ}}} СОСТАВ'''
|-
|width = 150 align=center bgcolor="{{{imagebgcolor|#cccccc}}}"|{{#if:{{{img_generic|}}}| [[File:{{{img_generic|{{{jobtitle}}}.png}}}|64px]] | }} {{#if:{{{img|}}}| [[File:{{{img|{{{jobtitle}}}.png}}}|64px]] | }} {{#if:{{{img|}}} | | {{#if:{{{img_generic|}}} | | }} }} '''{{{jobtitle|Работа}}}'''
|'''Доступ:''' {{{access|Не определен}}} {{#if:{{{additional|}}}|'''[[Terminology#Additional_Access | Дополнительный доступ]]:''' {{{additional|Не определен}}} |}}'''Сложность:''' {{{difficulty|Не определен}}} '''Руководители:''' {{{superior|Не определен}}} '''Обязанности:''' {{{duties|Не определен}}} '''Руководства:''' {{{guides|Не определен}}} {{#if: {{{quote|}}} | '''Quote:''' ''{{{quote}}}''}}
|}
<noinclude></code>
Этот шаблон предназначен предоставлять основную информацию о работе и должен быть в начале страницы.

== Значение параметров ==

'''headerbgcolor''' Это цвет заднего фона верхней части шаблона, который распространяется по всей ширине страницы. В основном, должен быть темного цвета. 
'''headerfontcolor''' Это цвет шрифта той же части, что и headerbgcolor 
'''stafftype''' Это слово, которое будет добавлено перед СОСТАВ. То есть, добавив слово КОМАНДНЫЙ, получается КОМАНДНЫЙ СОСТАВ. Должен быть написан с включенным капсом. 
'''imagebgcolor''' это цвет заднего фона места с названием работы и изображением работы. Должен быть светлым, так как название работы всегда черное. 
'''img''' это файл изображения работы в действии без префиксов "File:" или "Image:". (примеры снизу) 
'''img_generic''' это файл изображения работы в обычное время без префиксов "File:" или "Image:". (примеры снизу) 
'''jobtitle''' это название работы 
'''access''' это доступ 
'''additional''' это дополнительный доступ 
'''difficulty''' это сложность 
'''guides''' это руководства 
'''duties''' это обязанности 
'''quote''' это цитата. Будет только появляться, если указан 
'''superior''' это руководители

== Использование ==
Пример окончательного продукта. Посмотрите код, который сгенерировал штуки снизу. Пожалуйста документируйте любые изменения, которые вы делаете у шаблона.

Изображение не указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = COMMAND
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
|quote = Посмотрите на меня, теперь я здесь капитан.
}}

Только изображение работы в действии указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img = Captain_action.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

Только изображение работы в обычное время указано:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img_generic = Generic_captain.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

Оба изображения указаны:

{{JobPageHeader
|headerbgcolor = darkblue
|headerfontcolor = white
|stafftype = КОМАНДНЫЙ
|imagebgcolor = lightblue
|img = Captain_action.png
|img_generic = Generic_captain.png
|jobtitle = Капитан
|access = Полный
|additional = Н/Д
|difficulty = Очень сложно
|superior = Космозакон и сотрудники ЦК
|duties = Командуй кораблем, защищай диск ядерной аутентификации, останавливай революции, умри за все указанное перед этим.
|guides = Нет отдельных руководств
}}

[[Category:Templates]]
</noinclude>

Mining

2021-12-03T05:45:42Z

Ahfoganu: Перенаправление

#REDIRECT [[Mining Station]]

Security Office

2021-12-03T05:44:24Z

Ahfoganu: Перенаправление

#REDIRECT [[Brig]]

Secret monkey technique

2021-12-02T19:23:54Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Secret monkey technique в Секретная обезьянья техника: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Секретная обезьянья техника]]

Secret mirror technique

2021-12-02T19:23:04Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Secret mirror technique в Секретная зеркальная техника: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Секретная зеркальная техника]]

Stop

2021-12-02T19:21:00Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Stop в Остановись: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Остановись]]

Fun

2021-12-02T19:18:03Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Fun в Веселье: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Веселье]]

Disgusting

2021-12-02T19:13:08Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Disgusting в Отвратительно: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Отвратительно]]

Шаблон:Jobs

2021-12-02T19:04:19Z

Ahfoganu:

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''[[Jobs|Должности]] на /tg/station''' 
[[File:jobstemp.png|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''[[Bridge|Командование]]'''
| '''[[Captain|Капитан]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|Глава персонала]]''', '''[[Head of Security|Глава службы безопасности]]''', '''[[Chief Engineer|Главный инженер]]''', '''[[Research Director|Директор исследований]]''', '''[[Chief Medical Officer|Главный врач]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''[[Brig|Служба Безопасности]]'''
| [[Security Officer|Офицер службы безопасности]], [[Warden|Смотритель]], [[Detective|Детектив]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''[[Engineering|Инженерный отдел]]'''
| [[Station Engineer|Станционный инженер]], [[Atmospheric Technician|Атмосферный техник]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''[[Science|Научный отдел]]'''
| [[Geneticist|Генетик]], [[Scientist|Ученый]], [[Roboticist|Робототехник]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''[[Medbay|Медицинский отдел]]'''
| [[Medical Doctor|Врач]], [[Paramedic|Парамедик]], [[Chemist|Химик]], [[Virologist|Вирусолог]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Сервис'''
| [[Janitor|Уборщик]], [[Bartender|Бармен]], [[Cook|Повар]], [[Botanist|Ботаник]], [[Clown|Клоун]], [[Mime|Мим]], [[Chaplain|Священник]], [[Curator|Библиотекарь]], [[Assistant|Ассистент]], [[Lawyer|Адвокат]], [[Psychologist|Психолог]], [[Prisoner|Заключённый]]
|-
| style="background: #AF763D; text-align: center;" id="supply" |'''Снабжение'''
| [[Quartermaster|Квартирмейстер]], [[Cargo Technician|Грузчик]], [[Shaft Miner|Шахтер]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Синтетики'''
| '''[[AI|ИИ]]''', [[Cyborg|Киборг]], [[Positronic Brain|Позитронный мозг]], [[Drone|Дрон]], [[Personal AI|Персональный ИИ]], [[Construct|Конструкт]], [[Imaginary Friend|Воображаемый друг]], [[Split Personality|Раздвоение личности]], [[Ghost|Призрак]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Антагонисты'''
| [[Traitor|Предатель]], [[Malfunctioning AI|Сбойный ИИ]], [[Changeling|Генокрад]], [[Nuclear Operative|Ядерный оперативник]], [[Blood Cult|Кровавый культист]], [[Heretic|Еретик]], [[Revolution|Революционер]], [[Wizard|Маг]], [[Families|Семья]], [[Blob|Блоб]], [[Abductor|Абдуктор]], [[Holoparasite|Голопаразит]], [[Xenomorph|Ксеноморф]], [[Spider|Пауки]], [[Swarmers|Свармеры]], [[Revenant|Ревенант]], [[Morph|Морф]], [[Nightmare|Кошмар]], [[Space Ninja|Космический ниндзя]], [[Slaughter Demon|Демон резни]], [[Pirate|Пират]], [[Sentient Disease|Разумная болезнь]], [[Obsessed|Одержимый]], [[Fugitives|Беглец]], [[Hunters|Охотники]], [[Space Dragon|Космический дракон]], [[Pulsating Tumor|Элитные мобы]], [[Sentient Slime|Разумная слизь]], [[Rat King|Крысиный король]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Специальные'''
| '''[[CentCom Official|Офицер центрального командования]]''', [[Death squad|Офицер отряда смерти]], [[Emergency Response Team|Офицер отряда быстрого реагирования]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|Хроно-легионер]], [[Highlander|Горец]], [[Ian|Иан]], [[Lavaland/Space Role|Лаваленд Роли]]
|}
<noinclude>
'''Hey! Listen!''' This template is mirrored on the [[Clown]], [[Ian]], and [[Shitcurity]] pages, be sure to periodically check it and make sure it's up to date.
[[Category:Templates]]</noinclude>

Science

2021-12-02T18:56:12Z

Ahfoganu: Исправление перенаправления

#REDIRECT [[Research Division]]

Science

2021-12-02T18:55:30Z

Ahfoganu: Перенаправление науки в научный отдел

<nowiki>#REDIRECT [[Research Division]]</nowiki>

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T18:53:04Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод части страницы

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security Officer|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен с кем ты ведешь дело: с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# Капитан коварный и эгоистичный подонок более низкого ранга, чем ты и глава Щиткьюрити. Задержи или казни его как только найдешь доказательство. Если он попытается арестовать тебя или твоего Босса, то отправь в космос голышом.
# Лучше потратить время на избиение преступников до смерти, чем вести их до тюрьмы.
# Из-за бесконечной сущности наручников их не надо перерабатывать никогда.
# Будь активным - арестовывай преступников до того, как они совершат преступление.
# Передвижные флэшеры нужно ставить в публичных коридорах, желательно перед очередью к ХоПу, и должны быть перемещены в отбытие, когда вызовут шаттл. Именно в этих местах процветает преступность.
# Стоящие на месте более 5 минут напрашиваются на арест. Время бездействия приводят к коварным действиям
# Сбросьте все конфискованные предметы со станции. Таким образом ими нельзя будет больше делать ужасные дела.
# Бриг это единственное священное место всех офицеров. "Если он не из твоих коллег, то его место в камере."
# Если ХоС ведет себя как слабая и толерантная неженка, значит он не твой босс, а коварный и мерзкий подонок. Казни его и повысь себя.
# Никогда не проводите суд для преступных подонков, они потеряли это право сразу после совершения преступления.
# Никогда не используй мешки для трупов. Пятна крови в коридоре хорошо подходят твоей форме.
# Если уборщик пытается очистить кровь твоих завоеваний, арестуй и казни его. Следы крови это устрашение для преступников.
# Если заключённый самоубился, то оставь его в камере, где он может покоиться и служить, как предупреждение другим преступным подонкам.
# "Правильное" правосудие слишком медленное, ВСЕГДА бери всё в свои руки.
# Если Капитан пытается использовать его "цепь командования" на тебе, то космируй его. ТЫ есть закон!
# Станция это поле битвы. Защитные костюмы СБ имеют лучшую защиту и выглядят угрожающе, все сжимаются перед его царственным обликом.
# Любой, кто пытается тебя понизить является преградой правосудия. Арестуй нарушителя и понизь его сам, чтобы бороться с коррупцией
# Любой, кто был обвинен в предательстве другим членом экипажа, должен быть казнён на месте. Не дай им шанса выползти из рук правосудия за счёт пустых разговоров. Это единственный способ всю предательскую преступную заразу.
# Бриг шаттла - это самое безопасное место на экстренном шаттле. Арестовывай и задерживый без разбору как можно больше людей. Просто на всякий случай, вдруг кто-то из них окажется предателем
# ХоП, который отказывает твой запрос на полный должен, должны быть под строжайшем просмотром. Задержать и обыскать его при любой возможности.
# Кража, чтение порнографии, вторжение и отсутствие симпатии к тебе - это всё признаки революционной деятельности. Вбей им в череп верность правильной стороне.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T15:56:16Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод части страницы

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security Officer|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен с кем ты ведешь дело: с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП.
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# Капитан коварный и эгоистичный подонок более низкого ранга, чем ты и глава Щиткьюрити. Задержи или казни его как только найдешь доказательство. Если он попытается арестовать тебя или твоего Босса, то отправь в космос голышом.
# Лучше потратить время на избиение преступников до смерти, чем вести их до тюрьмы.
# Из-за бесконечной сущности наручников их не надо перерабатывать никогда.
# Будь активным - арестовывай преступников до того, как они совершат преступление.
# Передвижные флэшеры нужно ставить в публичных коридорах, желательно перед очередью к ХоПу, и должны быть перемещены в отбытие, когда вызовут шаттл. Именно в этих местах процветает преступность.
# Стоящие на месте более 5 минут напрашиваются на арест. Время бездействия приводят к коварным действиям
# Сбросьте все конфискованные предметы со станции. Таким образом ими нельзя будет больше делать ужасные дела.
# Бриг это единственное священное место всех офицеров. "Если он не из твоих коллег, то его место в камере."
# Если ХоС ведет себя как слабая и толерантная неженка, значит он не твой босс, а коварный и мерзкий подонок. Казни его и повысь себя.
# Никогда не проводите суд для преступных подонков, они потеряли это право сразу после совершения преступления.
# Никогда не используй мешки для трупов. Пятна крови в коридоре хорошо подходят твоей форме.
# If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime. Если уборщик пытается очистить кровь твоих завоеваний, арестуй и казни его.
# If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
# "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
# If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
# The station is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
# Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
# Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
# The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
# A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
# Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]

Шаблон:Speech

2021-12-02T10:34:15Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод страницы и шаблона

{|cellspacing=0 cellpadding=10 width=600|
|width=50|{{{image|[[File:Assistant.png|right]]}}} 
|bgcolor="fcfbce"|'''{{{name|Ассистент}}} говорит:''' ''"{{{text|Я не хочу умирать!}}}"''
|}<noinclude>

== Как использовать ==

<nowiki>{{Speech}}</nowiki>

Даёт

{{Speech}}

<nowiki>{{Speech</nowiki>
<nowiki>|name=Урист МакДорф</nowiki>
<nowiki>|text=Привет. Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст</nowiki>
<nowiki>Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст!</nowiki>
<nowiki>|image=[[File:Clown.png|right]]</nowiki>
<nowiki>}}</nowiki>

Даёт...

{{Speech
|name=Урист МакДорф
|text=Привет. Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст

Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст Текст!
|image=[[File:Clown.png|right]]
}}

== Значения переменных ==

'''name''' = Имя того, кто говорит. По умолчанию стоит "Ассистент" 
'''text''' = Текст говорящего. По умолчанию стоит "Я не хочу умирать!" 
'''image''' = Изображение говорящего. По умолчанию стоит Assistant.png [[File:Assistant.png]]

[[Category:templates]]
</noinclude>

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T08:51:46Z

Ahfoganu: Починил одну гиперссилку

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант говорит:
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security Officer|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен, что с кем ты имеешь ли ты дело с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП.
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов. If a cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for breaking its laws.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# The Captain is a treacherous and selfish scum of lower rank than you and head of shitcurity. Detain or execute him whenever you find evidence. If he tries to arrest you or your Boss, throw him into space naked.
# Kill all lizard men for being racially inferior.
# Time spent dragging a criminal to prison is better spent beating them to death.
# Due to their infinite nature, handcuffs are to never be recycled.
# Be proactive- arrest criminals ''before'' they commit a crime.
# Portable flashers are to be set in public hallways, preferably in front of the HoP line, and moved to the escape wing when the shuttle is called. That is where criminals thrive and loiter.
# Standing in one spot for more than a minute is means for a brigging. Idle time leads to treacherous activity.
# Jettison all items belonging to an arrested man immediately, that way no evil may be done with them again.
# The Brig is the holy land of all officers. If he is not of your kin, Then he is meant for the cells.
# If the HoS acts like a weak and tolerant sissy, then he isn't your Boss, but rather treacherous and vile scum. Execute him and promote yourself.
# Never hold trials for these criminal scum, they lost that right when they committed a crime.
# Never use body bags. Blood stained halls match your uniform.
# If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime.
# If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
# "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
# If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
# The station is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
# Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
# Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
# The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
# A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
# Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]

Shitcurity

2021-12-02T08:46:40Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Shitcurity в Щиткьюрити поверх перенаправления: Перевод

#перенаправление [[Щиткьюрити]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T08:46:40Z

Ahfoganu: Ahfoganu переименовал страницу Shitcurity в Щиткьюрити поверх перенаправления: Перевод

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант говорит:
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен, что с кем ты имеешь ли ты дело с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП.
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов. If a cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for breaking its laws.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# The Captain is a treacherous and selfish scum of lower rank than you and head of shitcurity. Detain or execute him whenever you find evidence. If he tries to arrest you or your Boss, throw him into space naked.
# Kill all lizard men for being racially inferior.
# Time spent dragging a criminal to prison is better spent beating them to death.
# Due to their infinite nature, handcuffs are to never be recycled.
# Be proactive- arrest criminals ''before'' they commit a crime.
# Portable flashers are to be set in public hallways, preferably in front of the HoP line, and moved to the escape wing when the shuttle is called. That is where criminals thrive and loiter.
# Standing in one spot for more than a minute is means for a brigging. Idle time leads to treacherous activity.
# Jettison all items belonging to an arrested man immediately, that way no evil may be done with them again.
# The Brig is the holy land of all officers. If he is not of your kin, Then he is meant for the cells.
# If the HoS acts like a weak and tolerant sissy, then he isn't your Boss, but rather treacherous and vile scum. Execute him and promote yourself.
# Never hold trials for these criminal scum, they lost that right when they committed a crime.
# Never use body bags. Blood stained halls match your uniform.
# If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime.
# If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
# "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
# If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
# The station is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
# Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
# Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
# The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
# A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
# Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T08:32:57Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод части страницы

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант говорит:
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен, что с кем ты имеешь ли ты дело с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП.
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# Если киборг отказывается избивать преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за нарушение его законов. If a cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for breaking its laws.
# Если киборг всё таки избил преступника до смерти, то это значит, что борг должен быть уничтожен за то, что забрал у тебя удовольствие избиения преступников.
# Если у кого-то есть доступ, которого у тебя нет, то это означает, что они украли эту карточку! Ты должен конфисковать её для твоей собственной миссии по правосудию.
# Правила [[Captain|Капитана]] и [[Head of Security|Главы безопасности]] это просто рекомендации, ты единственный истинный судья.
# Все преступные подонки должны быть прикованы к кровати, они не должны сбежать, ни в коем случае.
# Всегда болтируй и заваривай воздушные шлюзы отбытия. Это остановит любого преступного подонка от побега со станции.
# Всегда будь уверен не допускать ИИ контролировать ЛКП(APC) и двери за счёт взлома. Им нельзя доверять.
# Если ты находишь инженера в изолированных перчатках, то оглуши его и арестуй. ОТКУДА ОН ИХ УКРАЛ!?
# Требуй того, чтобы ИИ впустил тебя в свой аплоуд. Если они отказываются, то они сбойны. Как только внутри ты должен поменять законы так, чтобы ИИ подчинялся только тебе, так как только тебе можно доверять.
# Лучший способ разрешить драку: оглушить одну сторону и дать другой стороне убить своего оппонента. После повязать победителя.
# Клоуны и мимы это мерзость, их нужно <s>человечно казнить эвтаназией</s> избить, заварить в шкафу и выбросить в космос любой ценой.
# Если всё остальное провалится и преступность торжествует, то выпусти сингулярность, чтобы очистить станцию от преступников. .
# Не носи шлем, но носи газовую маску. Дайте злодеям почувствовать ужас правосудия за маской.
# Не догоняй свою цель, когда стреляешь, стреляй в любого, кто стоит на твоём пути-- а после арестуй их за помеху правосудию.
# Это сильный знак сотрудничества с твоим соплеменником, если ты ловишь электрод, который предназначался для подозреваемого.
# Преступники не едят, так что забирай их еду, пока не растолстеешь.
# Раздевай заключённых и никогда не возвращай им их имущество, особенно если у них срок меньше двух минут.
# The Captain is a treacherous and selfish scum of lower rank than you and head of shitcurity. Detain or execute him whenever you find evidence. If he tries to arrest you or your Boss, throw him into space naked.
# Kill all lizard men for being racially inferior.
# Time spent dragging a criminal to prison is better spent beating them to death.
# Due to their infinite nature, handcuffs are to never be recycled.
# Be proactive- arrest criminals ''before'' they commit a crime.
# Portable flashers are to be set in public hallways, preferably in front of the HoP line, and moved to the escape wing when the shuttle is called. That is where criminals thrive and loiter.
# Standing in one spot for more than a minute is means for a brigging. Idle time leads to treacherous activity.
# Jettison all items belonging to an arrested man immediately, that way no evil may be done with them again.
# The Brig is the holy land of all officers. If he is not of your kin, Then he is meant for the cells.
# If the HoS acts like a weak and tolerant sissy, then he isn't your Boss, but rather treacherous and vile scum. Execute him and promote yourself.
# Never hold trials for these criminal scum, they lost that right when they committed a crime.
# Never use body bags. Blood stained halls match your uniform.
# If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime.
# If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
# "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
# If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
# The station is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
# Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
# Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
# The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
# A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
# Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]

Щиткьюрити

2021-12-02T07:50:06Z

Ahfoganu: Перевод части страницы

{{Speech
|name=Офицер Влад Хант говорит:
|text=Эй ты, клоун! Ты ничего не сделал, но я уверен, что ты что-то задумал, так что я кремирую твою задницу, на всякий случай
|image=[[File:Generic_security.png|80px|right]]
}}

По сути, это то, когда [[Security|СБ]] делает что-то, что привело бы их к увольнение, к штрафу, к суду, к аресту и/или к званию военного преступника по Женевскому соглашению в реальной жизни. Если ты Щиткьюрити, то ожидай того, что люди попытаются тебя [[robust|заробастить]] и что OOC будет полон нытья. Не удивляйся, если ты получишь джоббан на красные рубашки.

Также ожидай того, что люди будут обвинять в этом, даже если ты делаешь нормальную работу.

'''Большую часть Щиткьюрити офицеры могут не нарушать правила. Что делает многих людей Щиткьюрити, так это недостаток понимания того, что некоторые действия могут закончить/испортить раунд человеку. Будь любезным! Вместо того, чтобы кремировать предателя, отправь его в пермабриг или отправь его к роботехникам для превращения в Борга!'''

== Правила Щиткьюрити ==

# Все виновны, даже если были доказаны невиновными.
# Всегда арестовывай падшего врага, чтобы он был усмирен после смерти.
# Никогда не чисти от пятен крови своих врагов свою наследственную стан-дубинку. Эти пятна показывают экипажу то, что ты настроен серьезно и тебе можно доверять.
# Если ты не уверен, что с кем ты имеешь ли ты дело с предателем или нет, то казни его.
# Если у твоего оружия есть летальный режим, то используй его. Только после смерти преступник может быть остановлен по-настоящему.
# Клоун - это груша для битья. Он был создан, чтобы его бить без причины.
# Контекст ничего не значит. Ассистент, вламывающийся в ЕВУ, это мятежный подонок, даже если он это делает, чтобы убить сбойный ИИ.
# Только через смерть правосудие восторжествует.
# Когда ты задерживаешь заключённого, то закрой его в шкафчике и завари дверь.
# Не использовать камеры. Исключение: только если посмотреть на ЕРП.
# Химические импланты должны быть только заполнены кислотой и должны быть активированы, как только заключённый выходит из брига по "условно-досрочному освобождению"!
# Судебно-медицинское доказательство необязательно. В конце концов, никто не невиновен.
# Радио болтовня для слабаков! Настоящий офицер может почувствовать преступления в действии и интуитивно.
# Неважно, если в камере разгерметизация, подонок должен отсидеть свой срок!
# ИИ создан для того, чтобы защищать людей, а значит и предателей. Уничтожить его любой ценой.
# If a cyborg refuses to beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for breaking its laws.
# If a cyborg does beat a criminal to death then it should be destroyed for denying you the pleasure.
# If someone has access to any areas you do not have, they stole that ID! You must liberate it for your own quest of justice.
# The [[Captain]]'s and [[Head of Security]]'s rules are only guidelines, ''you'' are the only true judge of crime.
# All criminal scum are to be handcuffed to their beds, they must not escape under any circumstance.
# Always bolt and weld the escape arm airlocks shut. This will stop any criminal scum from escaping the station.
# Always make sure you prevent the A.I from being able to control APCs and doors by hacking them. They are not to be trusted.
# If you find an engineer with insulated gloves, stun and cuff them. WHERE DID THEY STEAL THESE FROM!?
# Demand the A.I grant you access to their upload room. If they refuse, they are rogue. Once inside you must change the laws to obey only you, since only you can be trusted.
# The best way to resolve a fight is to stun one side and let the other murder them. Cuff and brig the winner.
# Clowns and mimes are abominations, they are to be <strike>humanely euthanized</strike> stunned, welded into lockers and spaced at all costs.
# If all else fails and crime runs rampant, unleash the [[singularity]] to purge the station of criminals.
# Do not wear your helmet, wear a gas mask. Let evildoers taste the terror of masked justice!
# Do not lead your target when shooting, fire at anyone in your way-- then arrest everyone hit for obstruction of justice!
# It is a strong sign of partnership with your tribesmen if you take an electrode meant for a suspect.
# Crime never eats, so have their lunch 'til you get fat.
# Strip prisoners and never give them back their belongings, especially if their sentence is less than two minutes.
# The Captain is a treacherous and selfish scum of lower rank than you and head of shitcurity. Detain or execute him whenever you find evidence. If he tries to arrest you or your Boss, throw him into space naked.
# Kill all lizard men for being racially inferior.
# Time spent dragging a criminal to prison is better spent beating them to death.
# Due to their infinite nature, handcuffs are to never be recycled.
# Be proactive- arrest criminals ''before'' they commit a crime.
# Portable flashers are to be set in public hallways, preferably in front of the HoP line, and moved to the escape wing when the shuttle is called. That is where criminals thrive and loiter.
# Standing in one spot for more than a minute is means for a brigging. Idle time leads to treacherous activity.
# Jettison all items belonging to an arrested man immediately, that way no evil may be done with them again.
# The Brig is the holy land of all officers. If he is not of your kin, Then he is meant for the cells.
# If the HoS acts like a weak and tolerant sissy, then he isn't your Boss, but rather treacherous and vile scum. Execute him and promote yourself.
# Never hold trials for these criminal scum, they lost that right when they committed a crime.
# Never use body bags. Blood stained halls match your uniform.
# If the janitor attempts to clean the blood of your conquests, arrest and execute him. Blood trails are a deterrent to crime.
# If a prisoner commits suicide, leave him in his cell where he can rest in pieces and serve as a warning to other criminal scum.
# "Proper" justice is too slow, ALWAYS take matters into your own hands.
# If Captain tries using his "chain of command" on you, space him! YOU are the law!
# The station is a battlefield. Security hardsuits have superior armor and are intimidating, all cower before its regal visage. Acquire one ASAP and keep it on at all times.
# Anyone who tries to demote you is committing obstruction of justice. Arrest the offender and demote him yourself to fight against corruption.
# Anyone accused of being a traitor by a crew member must be executed on the spot. Do not give them a chance to weasel their way out of justice by talking things out. It's the only way that you can be sure the traitorous criminal scum are all stopped.
# The shuttle brig is the safest place on the emergency shuttle. Arrest and detain as many people as possible indiscriminately in the shuttle brig just in case one of them happens to be a traitor.
# A HoP that denies your all-access request is to be watched with extreme suspicion. Brig and search him as soon as possible.
# Theft, pornography reading, trespassing, and not liking you are all signs of revolutionary activity. Beat their skulls in until they remember their true allegiance.
# Any massacres, ethnic cleansings, purgings, underground permabrig prisoner fights, or general mass-murder orchestrated by superiors is to be immediately sanctioned and, if necessary, unquestioningly enforced. The law doesn't need to follow the law, especially if it gets to stroke its willy atop a mountain of corpses.
# Any incarnations, imposters, or victims of identity theft (regardless of condition) of a lawbreaker are to be arrested as well, because they have the same name when you put your mouse over them.
# When engaged in a firefight with hostiles, you are to position yourself at the nearest choke-point and empty your gun at the enemy as quickly as possible.
# When the power goes out, stun, cuff, and perma anyone who is standing within ten meters of the Bridge. For all you know they could have been planning to break in!
# All chemists are to be stunned, beaten into critical, and searched. They are all treacherous scum and are to be dealt with accordingly.
# Empty the costume vendor. No one shall hide from The Law!
# Your security gas mask is to be <strike>used continuously on the last setting</strike> wirecut and used repeatedly. Criminals cannot function if they can't hear themselves talk!
# Heads of Staff should be [[Security_items#Mindshield_Implant|mindshield]] implanted forcibly and immediately if you hear of revolution. Even our own leaders might be revolutionary scum.
# If the Captain dies, it's your turn to be the LAW this station so desperately needs. Fuck the Chain of Command!
# Space the Clown and Mime's PDAs. Viruses and pranks are against the law!
# Criminals in the gulag must be kept on Wanted status at all times. Nothing discourages crime like being chased down by the iron fist of Beepsky forever.
# If you murder someone on the gulag, it doesn't really count as murder.
# Drones are thieves by nature. Brig them all. If they escape, bash them.
# Immediately permabrig anyone found with the body of a suicide. Clearly it was actually a murder most foul!
# Remember: The gods are watching your every move. Don't act until it's too late. Better safe than banned.
# Standard security gear isn't robust. Always make sure to bug the warden/HoS for riot gear and a shotgun.
# If they have a flash, they're a dirty revolutionary. It doesn't matter if they are a roboticist, or even a head!
# If they are gibbering, they are retarded and everyone knows retards can't feel pain!
#Before the round starts, figure out whether you like the SS or the KGB the best.
#Break into the warden's office and make the best criminal stopping gun you can. If the warden objects, he a is a syndicate plant and you must use your new found power against him! When he is dead, relieve him of his gloves.
#Use [[Syndicate Items|contraband]] you found against criminals.
#If there is insufficient crime on the station, provide the crew with weapons. Then they will create crime for you to neutralize.
#If the crew doesn't commit crimes with the guns you gave them arrest them for posession of a weapon as that is a crime.
#If a crewmember turns in a piece of evidence to security, arrest them for possession of contraband.
#The captain is to be arrested as soon as possible and his id taken for posession of a gun
#When CentCom sends the Emergency Response Team, arrest them for mutiny! They have no power here!
#Even if the original charges don't stick, you can still book them for sparking a manhunt no matter how minor the crime. No crime is too small for a manhunt!
#If a disaster occurs because the person who is supposed to stop it was arrested in the middle of fixing it, brig them longer for dereliction of duty.
#If you stub your toe while chasing a criminal, they are guilty of assault.
# It doesn't matter if there's a rampaging xenomorph on the loose, the guy who made a mess on the floor must be hunted down like the dog he is.
#Justice does not have to be polite, so feel free to be an asshole. If anyone describes you as such for doing so, arrest and permabrig them for insulting an officer.

== A Video Guide ==
[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rs6V2oHvwXw Security, in a nutshell]

{|width=100% border="1" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="2"
|-
| rowspan = 12 align = "center" | '''Traitors on /tg/station''' 
[[File:StunBaton.gif|50px|link=jobs]]
|-
| style="background: #334E6D; color: white; text-align: center;" id="command" |'''The Big Guys'''
| '''[[Captain|"Good Guy, Gave Me Orders to Execute the Clown"]]''', '''[[Head of Personnel|"Detained for Giving All Access to the Clown"]]'''
|-
| textcolor="white" style="background: #AF6365; text-align: center;" id="security" |'''The Holy Ones'''
| '''[[Head of Security|"The Real Leader of Space Station 13"]]''', [[Security Officer|"Best Crew Member"]], [[Warden|"Wouldn't Give me His Gloves"]], [[Detective|"Lost in Maintenance"]]
|-
| style="background: #ba9b67; text-align: center;" id="engineering" |'''Deconstructors'''
| '''[[Chief Engineer|"Detained His Bird for Assaulting my Ears"]]''', [[Station Engineer|"Detained for Stolen Insulated Gloves"]], [[Atmospheric Technician|"Detained for Trespassing into the SM Chamber"]]
|-
| style="background: #a885a2; text-align: center;" id="science" |'''Bomb Makers'''
| '''[[Research Director|"Detained for Harboring an Illegal Alien"]]''', [[Scientist|"Detained for Making Bombs/Guns/Slimes"]], [[Roboticist|"Detained for Making Mechs"]]
|-
| style="background: #8cbcd6; text-align: center;" id="medical" |'''Malpractice'''
| '''[[Chief Medical Officer|"Detained for Being a Slut"]]''', [[Medical Doctor|"Detained for Healing a Criminal"]], [[Paramedic|"Detained for Body Snatching"]], [[Chemist|"Detained for Giving lube to the Clown"]], [[Geneticist|"Executed for being a Freak]], [[Virologist|"Detained for Making the Black Plague: Part 2"]]
|-
| style="background: #92b26d; text-align: center;" id="service" | '''Back Round Noise'''
| [[Janitor|"Detained for not Using Space Cleaner"]], [[Bartender|"Detained for Having a Gun"]], [[Cook|"Detained for Having a Knife and Shit Food"]], [[Botanist|"Detained for Putting 100 Potency Banana Peels FUCKING EVERYWHERE" ]], [[Clown|"Detained for Existing"]], [[Mime|"Detained for Not Talking During an Interrogation"]], [[Chaplain|"Detained for Cult Activities"]], [[Librarian|"Detained for Reading Erotica"]], [[Prisoner|"Executed for Drawing Mr. Johnson"]]
|-
| style="background: #898787; text-align: center;" id="civilian" |'''Slackers'''
| [[Quartermaster|"Detained for Ordering 100 Pie Crates for the Clown"]], [[Cargo Technician|"Detained for Not Ordering us Shotguns"]], [[Shaft Miner|"Detained for not Doing his Job"]], [[Assistant|"Detained for Wearing Grey"]], [[Lawyer|"Detained for Intervening in the Clown's Execution"]]
|-
| style="background: #b1dff9; text-align: center;" id="nonHuman" | '''Rouge'''
| '''[[AI|"Shut Down for not Opening the Upload Door"]]''', [[Cyborg|"Destroyed for Saving the Clown from Execution"]], [[Positronic Brain|"Shut Down for Being Annoying"]], [[Drone|"Destroyed for Free Tools"]], [[Personal AI|"Shut Down and Owner Detained for being Extra Annoying"]], [[Construct|"Killed for being Spooky"]], [[Imaginary Friend|"Warrant Issued for Metaphysical Arrest"]], [[Split Personality|"In Process of Sawing Prisoner In Two to Enforce Solitary Confinement"]], [[Ghost|"Scientists Finding Way to Detain"]]
|-
| style="background: black; color: white; text-align: center;" id="antagonist" |'''Valids'''
| [[Traitor|"Executed for Having a Chameleon Jumpsuit"]], [[Malfunctioning AI|"OH GOD HOW THE HELL DO WE STOP IT"]], [[Changeling|"WHY WON'T IT DIE"]], [[Syndicate guide|"Executed for Trying to GET DAT DISK"]], [[Wizard|"Executed for being a Fantasy Nerd"]], [[Cult|"Executed for Talking Weird"]], [[Shadowling|"Removed from the Univerce for being Shit"]], [[Nightmare|"Executed for not getting removed from the universe yet"]] [[Abductor|"Executed for Creating Minor IC Crime"]], [[Xenomorph|"Executed for being a Copywriten Property"]], [[Spider|"Executed for Webbing the Armory"]] [[Revenant|"Executed for being Annoyingly Deadly"]], [[Space Ninja|"Executed for being a Fucking Weeb"]], [[Holoparasite|"Executed for being a Shitty Reference"]], [[Swarmers|"Aggressively Interrogated for Destroying Company Property"]], [[Morph|"Executed for Eating the Armory"]], [[Blob|"Executed for Eating the Station"]], [[Devil|"Executed for Making the Clown a Superhuman"]], [[Pirate|"Executed for Supreme Pussy-ness"]], [[Sentient Disease|"Virologist Executed Because it's Always his Fault"]], [[Creep|"Cabin Room #6 Executed for 'ERP'"]], [[Fugitives|"Valid Obtainers #1"]]. [[Hunters|"Valid Obtainers #2"]], [[Space Dragon|"Executed for an Unauthorized Medieval Reenactment"]], [[Pulsating Tumor|"Run away! Run away!"]], [[Sentient Slime|"Keep Loading em' with Buckshot Until it Dies!"]], [[Rat King|"Executed for Illegal Inflationary Activity"]]
|-
| style="text-align: center;" id="special" | '''Unpredictable'''
| [[Centcom Official|"Detained for Talking Back to the Head of Security"]], [[Death Squad|"FUCK"]], [[Emergency Response Team|"Detained for Trying to Do Security's Job"]], [[Chrono Legionnaire|"Executed for Being a Reality-Warping Shithead"]], [[Highlander|"Detained for Public Indecency"]], [[Ian|"Detained for being too Cute"]], [[Lavaland Role|"Executed for Desertion"]]
|-
| style="background: #BBCCFF; color: black; text-align: center;" id="race" |'''Race War'''
| [[Humans|"The Best One"]], [[Lizard| "Detained for being Maximum Scum"]], [[Flyperson|"Detained for Puking Everywhere"]], [[Plasmaman|"Detained for Fire Starting"]], [[Podman|"Detained for being Vegetables"]], [[Guide to races#Human Mutants|"Detained for being Mutant Scum"]], [[Golem|"Detained for Irradiating Me"]], [[Felinids|"Detained for Still Existing"]], [[Ethereals|"Detained for Improper Lights"]]
|}
[[Category:Guides]]
[[Category:Joke_pages]]